If you had told me 20 years ago I would quit working to stay at home with my kids I would have laughed in your face. When Alan and I got married, I was career/money focused and didn’t even think about having kids.
Life changes
Funny how fast things change. Within a year of getting out of grad school, I was happily pregnant with my first. I worked for a while and my mom provided child care.
My mom and dad had moved to be closer to us right before our son was born – and mom needed to get back to work. So, that was it – without a plan, financial or otherwise, I quit. Our oldest is now 18, and though I’ve had various side hustles over the years, I never returned to full-time work, at least not in the traditional sense.
Since we never planned for any of this, we had to adjust to the new arrangement of our family – and our finances – quickly. Without the extra paycheck, we were forced to drastically scale back on expenses. And we both had to deal with how we identified ourselves and our roles, both personally and professionally.
Guilt
For the most part, we figured it out. Not long after that, we were expecting our second child and it felt like the right arrangement for our family. We enjoyed having one parent at home to take care of the kids full-time (though there were days when we would have each happily traded places with one another!).
It did put a strain on us, financially speaking, and created a lot of money-related stress. Because, at that point, we had a mountain of debt and a house payment we could barely afford.
It put pressure on Alan because he was our sole source of income.
And me? I felt guilty. I didn’t feel like I was contributing financially. Not because anyone said or did anything to make me feel that way. We made the choice together and Alan was unconditionally supportive of our arrangement. Though the guilt lessened as the years went on, it’s never entirely disappeared.
Back then, I tried to address the guilt (and financial stress) by doing everything, and I mean, everything I could think of to try to save us money. I got super frugal, learned to cook from scratch, DIYed everything, and side hustled whenever I could.
In time, Alan started earning more and we were more comfortable. This was when I began to research the things we needed to do to take charge of our finances. I literally checked out every personal finance book on our library’s shelves. And we took action paying down debt, setting up a will, getting life insurance, and saving more money.
Then I read Your Money or Your Life. I found personal finance blogs. And I discovered Financial Independence, the holy grail of personal finance. It was the answer I’d been looking for.
Digging Deeper
On the surface, the ways I dealt with my guilt as a stay-at-home parent helped financially and changed our lives for the better. Alan was on board and, together, we set financial goals and made a ton of progress in a relatively short amount of time. Eventually, we paid off all the debt (except the mortgage) and got on the path to FI.
What Alan isn’t necessarily on board with is the amount of time I have been willing to sacrifice to get to FI as quickly as possible. Flipping a house last year just happened to be my idea…
I talk about this as if it was a past problem, when, in fact, I still fall prey to it. Often.
For instance, I recently discovered a new calculator – which allowed me to run all sorts of scenarios for how close we are to FI. I was disappointed in the results and kept plugging in new scenarios to see what creative shortcuts I could uncover to speed up the timeline.
I’ve always said my reason for wanting FI is so Alan can have the option to quit working asap. But why? On the surface, I convinced myself he would be happier not having to go to a job he doesn’t love every day.
But that’s not the truth. It’s just a scapegoat, an excuse to try to cure the guilt.
And that may not surprise you, but it was a total surprise to me. I didn’t think I still had the guilt, not like I used to. I now work and earn money too (though I work from home). But I’ve been able to try different projects and jobs and explore, while he’s been stuck in the same job for the past 19 years.
Why
It took asking myself why a few times to dig deep enough to get to this epiphany.
I’ve obsessed about FI in an attempt to relieve my self-imposed guilt. Guilt about not having to do the 9-5 all these years, not making the same financial contribution to our family that Alan has, guilt for any free time I might have while he’s at work (which might explain why I fill every second of every day).
Rationally, I know I need to be patient. And I know that life won’t miraculously change for the better when we get FI – which is precisely why I choose to write a blog about this very thing.
Since I know these things – why do I still let the timeline get the best of me, why do I let it suck up my time and energy and distract me from the present?
We have relatively little debt, our savings are set up automatically, and we live well within our means. We have lots of options. Alan could change jobs and take a significant pay cut, and we’d be totally fine.
So spending an inordinate amount of time thinking (in my case obsessing) about money and savings and FI is not helpful.
Money, work, identity and self-worth
Years ago, when people would ask me “What do you do?”, I felt like I needed to explain myself: “The kids are just so busy and into so many activities, plus I garden and volunteer and work on this project and that and…” on and on and on. And it was all true, but now I think it’s sad I felt I had to justify how I spent my time to people I barely know.
I eventually stopped answering the dreaded question that way. But a few years ago, when I was asked “What do you do?” at a get-together, my then 13-year-old felt the need to explain all the things I was involved in and that I actually did “work”. I know he was trying to let this person know that I was a productive member of society, not a lazy bum that sits at home eating bonbons and watching soap operas all day, but I find it interesting that he felt the need to offer a reply when I didn’t.
Some have tried putting a price tag on the value of stay at home parents. Salary.com came up with an annual salary of $162,581. That’s a super nice salary, and it gives recognition to the value of stay at home parents, but I don’t know how helpful it is to put a number on it.
We say money and work shouldn’t be tied to our self-worth and identity, but it’s a thing, folks. As much as we try not to, we all do it to a certain extent. I’m not saying we shouldn’t explore the issue, and perhaps guard against it sometimes, but it’s there.
I also think maybe having your identity tied to “stay at home parent” is different than having your identity tied to a career. A career is something you do, it’s not necessarily who you are. Careers can change. And though parenting is also something you do, it is also a permanent part of who you are (mom/dad). The lines are blurred.
At the end of the day…
I know my husband and my family have always respected me and appreciated me for who I am and how I’ve contributed to the family. No one ever did or said anything to make me feel less than. No one made me feel guilty. Only I can do that.
That said, I’ve always known having a stay at home parent was a great choice for us. I’m grateful it was even an option. And if I had to do it over again, I wouldn’t change a single thing.
Acknowledging that the guilt exists and recognizing how it has influenced my thoughts and behavior – particularly when it comes to money – has been very helpful for me. So, basically, friends, this has been a therapy session for me. So, if you’re still here…thanks for listening! You can bill me later.
Ty at Campfire Finance wrote a post that inspired me to (finally) write about my personal experience as a stay at home parent. He points out that while living on a single income with a stay at home parent has its share of financial challenges, there are many other challenges too.
I’ve attempted to write about the topic before, but whenever I start writing about the money challenges of being a stay at home parent, it always spirals into issues that go far beyond the money. And gets into a lot of f e e l i n g s. Feelings I’m not 100% comfortable sharing, partly because I feel vulnerable and partly because I can never seem to pull together the right words to make a cohesive post. But I decided to put on my big girl pants and put this out into the world anyway. 🙂
Ty Roberts says
When talking about single income families, so many people focus on just the financial scarifies, but that doesn’t come close to telling the whole story. The “feelings” side of the equation is HUGE, so thanks for sharing your story, Amanda!
Amanda says
Those feelings, though different for everyone I’m sure, seem to creep in no matter how much you try to keep them in check. Thanks for the comment – and the inspiration, Ty! 🙂
Financial Wellness DVM says
Thank you for sharing your story. I had no idea that I would struggle with these very questions once I became a mother. You are one of the few that have blogged about the same topic, so thank you from a fellow blogger!
It was very difficult for me to transition to being a stay-at-home parent after getting a professional degree. Even though I wouldn’t trade any of it, it doesn’t negate the fact that making that switch was very challenging. And even though my husband’s income is more than enough, there is still that feeling of guilt that I’m not doing “my part” in household finances. However, now that I’m managing our finances, I feel like we’re making better financial decisions and our kids are going to be learning some good money lessons early on to increase the chances that they will be financially responsible adults.
For what it’s worth, I use my blog as a therapy session too! 🙂
Amanda says
I can’t thank you enough for the comment! 🙂 This was one of the hardest posts I’ve ever put out there – and it’s sooo good to know that there are others who can relate. I think the fact that I manage most of the finances has helped with a lot of things over the years too – and helped ease the guilt a little.
Thanks again for the great comment!!!
Jim @ Route To Retire says
You sounds like you’re exactly how I was a couple years ago (sorry about your luck!).
So spending an inordinate amount of time thinking (in my case obsessing) about money and savings and FI is not helpful.
I became pretty obsessed with reaching FI as quickly as possible as well. It’s interesting to hear your figure out why you want FI so bad. When we got to talking last week, I could tell you’re very goal-driven so this doesn’t really surprise me.
Not that this will make a difference in your mind, but I will tell you I could actually see my home life starting to deteriorate more each day with how crazy I was with it. Paula Pant was my wake up call when during one of her podcasts she said “don’t trade today’s happiness for tomorrow’s.” Not sure why that struck me, but it did and that helped me simmer down a bit.
A little bit of obsession is probably a good thing though – it gives you some drive to make things happen. Good luck!
— Jim
Amanda says
Thanks for the great comment, Jim! 🙂
It is helpful to hear about others’ experiences with the FI obsession. It really can take a toll when there’s too much focus on getting to the goal. That’s actually one of the main reasons I wanted to start this blog – to remind me to step back and enjoy life each day. Some days it works and others it doesn’t. Guess you could say I’m a work in progress. 😉
Principal F.I. says
Wow did I connect with this:
“For instance, I recently discovered a new calculator – which allowed me to run all sorts of scenarios for how close we are to FI. I was disappointed in the results and kept plugging in new scenarios to see what creative shortcuts I could uncover to speed up the timeline.”
I’ve had those moments! As Jim said above, I think a little bit of obsessiveness helps the drive…but so hard to maintain balance. I know I struggle with the same. Thanks for writing so openly.
Amanda says
I think so many of us who have discovered FI and set the goal to achieve it go through this. It’s a constant struggle to balance, for sure! But, I think as long as we stay cognizant of the need for that balance, we can achieve our goals – and live a great life today too. Thanks so much for the comment, Principal F.I.! 🙂
Anthony says
This post has resonated with me. But from another side of the equation.
Thank you for sharing. This has helped crystalize something that’s been nagging at the back of my.head for a while.
I have the 9-5 job while my spouse stayed home with the kids. But I also made a number of crappy financial decisions that put us in the whole for years. Now we are just digging out and I’m obsessed with reaching FI so my partner can pursue her passions without us needing a second income. And so I can relieve the guilt I feel about those poor decisions. I hadn’t recognized that until now. I’m trying to atone for past transgressions.
You’ve inspired me to have a good conversation with my partner to review our goals and make sure we are on the same page.
Thank you.
Amanda says
Thanks for the comment, Anthony! It took me a long time to realize the source of my obsession for FI. Several years in fact. I always just chalked it up to wanting the freedom for Alan, but once I realized the real reasons for the obsession, I’ve been working to change things. Though FI is still a goal, I’m taking a more relaxed approach and trying to place time as the priority over money. It’s all about constantly finding balance.
It’s super helpful to have those conversations – they aren’t always easy conversations to have, but getting on the same page, financially and otherwise is essential to making it all work for everyone involved. I’m happy this post resonated and inspired you to have the conversation with your partner! Thanks so much for sharing here. 🙂