“I honestly don’t know how you’ve dealt with all of it. I don’t think I could have.” This came from my mom one Saturday evening over ice cream.
I brushed it off and agreed things have been a little difficult.
The last year and a half could probably be chocked up as one of the more stressful years of my adult life. My family experienced an unexpected health diagnosis, flipped a house, had two potentially life-threatening accidents (only one involving a car), one big life transition (son left for Air Force), and more that I won’t mention here right now (maybe someday).
My mom’s statement made me think. It’s been a little rough at times, but overall, life is good! In fact, if I look at it, these difficulties have led to a ton of gratitude and changes in my outlook and my life.
So, what is it that made it easier to handle a few significant life events in a short period of time? Why wasn’t I really stressed out (at least not on a regular basis)? Is it because we have the savings, insurance, and financial security to better handle things?
It’s not money
Having savings and insurance helps keep the stress levels down, no doubt about it. But I think there’s something even more significant at play. Money alone cannot get us through life’s complications.
I was chatting with Alan about it and we agreed that going through life side-by-side, talking, sharing, and making decisions together has made it all so much easier. It would be far more challenging to go it alone.
Then I ran across this article from The Harvard Gazette and it confirmed much of what I’ve experienced.
It’s not money or recognition or accomplishment that lead to better health and more happiness.
It’s relationships.
In their 80-year longitudinal study on health and happiness, Harvard researchers found that our relationships have an immense impact on our health and happiness. More than we might guess.
Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives, the study revealed. Those ties protect people from life’s discontents, help to delay mental and physical decline, and are better predictors of long and happy lives than social class, IQ, or even genes.”
The importance of relationships
Summed up, researchers found three things about relationships that contributed to health and happiness:
- People who are more socially connected are happier, healthier, and live longer than those who are lonely, or isolated.
- It’s not about the number of relationships; it’s about the quality of relationships.
- Not only do good relationships contribute to better physical health, but also improved mental abilities (primarily related to aging).
It seems to me that #2 is a significant factor here. The research found that, in most cases, health and happiness were often worse when a person remained in a bad relationship full of conflict. In some of these instances, getting a divorce or otherwise separating, is a better option.
But researcher Robert Waldinger adds that good relationships aren’t always rainbows and roses. Even those who have minor disagreements regularly fair better as long as they know their partner has their back and will be by their side, no matter what.
Another interesting point, directly related to health:
The researchers also found that marital satisfaction has a protective effect on people’s mental health. Part of a study found that people who had happy marriages in their 80s reported that their moods didn’t suffer even on the days when they had more physical pain. Those who had unhappy marriages felt both more emotional and physical pain.”
It takes work
Waldinger makes the point that relationships aren’t easy for anyone. They take time and effort to maintain and grow. You can’t expect them to stay healthy on their own.
People change. Which means relationships change. What worked for a relationship ten years ago isn’t necessarily what the relationship needs today.
When Alan and I got married over 20 years ago, we were very different people than we are today. We’ve gone through the ups and downs of life and have put in a ton of time and effort to help our relationship grow and change as our lives have changed.
There are many, many factors that go into facilitating a healthy relationship. I won’t delve into them in depth here, but some of the most important things, in my opinion, include:
- Communication
- Respect
- Honesty
- Friendship
- Trust
- Affection
If you struggle with any of these things in your relationship, you can’t expect it to fix itself. But, if both you and your partner are willing, you can take steps to improve it. Every. Single. Day.
Go on a date. Take a walk. Give your partner an unexpected hug. Listen to them. Hold their hand. Pay attention.
All this to say, yes, money can and does reduce stress. It can help during the inescapable ups and downs of life. But it’s those good relationships that enrich our lives in so many ways, and make the tough times much easier to bear.
What about you? How have your relationships contributed to your health and happiness?
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